As stated elsewhere, the intention behind this blog is to document my adventures in awkwardness.
Now I only joined the blogging community in December of this year. This means I have a rich back catalogue of awkwardness, social inadequacy and social faux-pas’ that have, as of yet, gone undocumented.
Over the upcoming weeks and months I shall delve into the depths of my awkward past and share some tales with you all.
As 2012 draws to a close I see a lot of lists cropping up. Being something of a sheep I figured I would follow suit.
Therefore, it is with great (…um…I guess the word I am looking for is ‘pride’?!) pride that I give to you:
My Top 5 Awkward Moments of 2012:
#5- Flying Low
We’ll start with a quick, but in no way any less awkward, story.
I had to give a presentation to a new client at work. They wanted to know about our company, and specifically, my department. I was tasked as the man to tell them. This is pretty standard in my line of work.
I met with their board of directors and HR manager. It was going to be pretty straight forward.
Things were going smoothly until about 3/4’s of the way through.
I made a joke.
No one laughed.
In order to mask my embarrassment I looked down. I noticed that my fly was undone.
Personally, I was mortified.
Luckily it was not mentioned by anyone and, as far as I am aware, there was no fall out from this.
However the feeling of a joke dying on its arse, coupled with the realisation that my fly was undone, is a sensation that I shall never forget until the day I die.
#4 – Why people should lock their doors…
I wanted to watch the Liam Neeson film Taken. My housemate owns it on DVD and said I could borrow it, instructing me to just take it from his room when I wanted it.
I had a hungover Sunday ahead of me and thought the best way to spend the evening would be to indulge myself in some gratuitous action.
Hearing a noise at our front door, I assumed the housemate and his girlfriend had gone out for the evening.
So I went upstairs to his room and knocked his bedroom door twice (just in case). No answer.
Just to be on the safe side, I even called out “hello?”.
No answer. So I entered.
Upon entering I saw my housemate having sex with his girlfriend.
Not regular sex, mind you.
In an attempt to not be crude, all I will say is that this type of sex was illegal in England and Wales up until 1967!
It was horrific.
For some reason I let out a yelp. I don’t believe I have ever yelped before or since.
The housemate and his girlfriend let a similar squeal. Although I was not too sure whether this was down to my entrance or to the activity they were presently partaking in.
I retreated to my room. I stayed there all day. Only leaving to use the toilet and to answer the door when the pizza arrived (I didn’t fancy seeing them in the kitchen either).
For a while I could not face him. I ended up spending a considerable time away from our house. When I was home I stayed barricaded in my room. He did the same.
My housemate is like a brother to me (my other housemate is, literally, a brother to me) and seeing him in that situation is an image that will forever be etched into my mind.
Eventually the embarrassment on both our parts died down and life at Project Southsea gradually returned to normal.
Again, we have never spoken of it since though. I feel it still hangs over us slightly though.
#3 – An Awkward Meeting
For a brief period this year I started seeing someone. It was nothing serious, really casual.
However it turned out that I was not the only one that she was seeing. In fact, there were several of us.
I thought about forming a Facebook Group so we could all get to know each other (there were that many) but apparently that is in poor taste.
None the less, I figured that it may be a wise move to get down to the sexual health clinic and get myself checked out.
My aunt was there in the waiting room.
We saw each other, exchanged knowing nods. I felt the urge to make conversation but fortunately her name was called. We have not spoken of it since.
I saw my aunt at Christmas. I felt compelled to ask her about it. I did not get a chance. This is probably a good thing.
I got the all clear by the way.
#2 – Awkward Dumping
Ever dumped someone in front of your parents?
I have…well…sort of.
Earlier in the year I went on a few dates with Sarah. She was nice enough but I quickly realised that it was not going anywhere.
I mean, she was cool. She had a passion for life, literature and wine. She was articulate and all of this was complemented by a quirky dress sense and a Florence and the Machine style haircut. People gravitated towards her.
I found her incredibly annoying though.
You see, she was a story topper. Every anecdote of mine would be met with an anecdote of hers that was slightly bigger, better and more interesting. For example, I once met Mario Lopez (AKA AC Slater) in New York. Apparently she had met Zach Morris.
This happened all the time. Every. Single. Time. in fact. After a while it infuriated me.
I made the decision to stop seeing her. I was just going to ignore her until she got the message but my friends told me that grown ups do this sort of thing face to face.
I chose to do this at a bar close to my home. This way I could escape quickly. No waiting around for cabs etc.
Despite it being a busy Thursday evening we somehow managed to grab a sofa and sit down.
After 15 minutes of awkward small talk I decided to get down to business.
“erm…so…um…yeah. We have been out a couple of times now Sarah…and…errr…it’s not really working for me…yeah…you’re very nice…but…erm…it’s, like…not right for me. So…yeah….I…um…think that we…should….you-know…like…not see each other anymore and stuff”.
I never said I was good at it!
See just sat there, staring blankly at me. Then I heard a voice:
“Budge up son”
It was my dad. I had not seen him in a while. Him and my step mother seemed intent on joining us. They sat down opposite. I could tell they were expecting introductions:
“Dad, Karen. This is Sarah. Sarah, this is my Dad and Karen, my step mum”
They turn to her
“Hi Sarah. Hows it going?”
She looks at them.
“Not good, actually, my dog died today…oh, and your immature prick of a son has just told me that he does not want to see me anymore! Congratulations J, you have made this one of the worst days of my life!”
She then stood up, put on her coat, placed her bag over her shoulder, downed her glass of wine and left.
As far as exits go, it was actually quite impressive.
My dad and his wife just sat there. They had no idea what to say. Although I could see what little respect they have for me slowly seeping away.
I don’t beat myself up about it. How was I to know? I even take solace in the fact that she probably now uses this story to top someone else when talking to them about either their dog dying, being dumped or having a bad day.
One day she may even thank me.
#1 – Keeping it in the family
Early in the year the housemate and I (although he was not the housemate at this time) went our drinking.
He had recently read a book about pick up artists and was keen to test out some of the routines and manoeuvres on an unsuspecting bevvy of woman.
He requested that, when called upon, I had to talk occupy friends, corroborate his stories and generally make him look good.
Expecting a car crash, I agreed to come along.
However he ended up doing quite well.
He spent hours chatting to various women, kissing some, getting various phone numbers/email addresses/Facebook requests. It was impressive.
Eventually he settled on a woman he was quite fond of and I was left talking to her friend.
As the night drew to a close he suggested we all go back to his. He had popcorn and tea, who could resist!
Long story short, I ended up spending the night with the friend.
In the morning she mentioned that she has a boyfriend, who she loves and that it may be a wise idea that we do not speak of this again.
I agreed. I do not wish to exert any time or effort on the kind of woman who would behave like this when she is supposedly in a loving relationship.
I chalked in down to experience and moved on with my life. I didn’t mention the events of the night to anyone.
Fast forward to a few months ago. I am awoken on a Saturday morning by my brother. He has to go to work but has a girl he met last night in his bed. He wants me to wake her and make sure she leaves (classy guy eh?).
The housemate and I sit downstairs. We agree to wait to hear her stirring, offer her a cup of tea and call then her a taxi.
We hear noises. I walk up to his room, knock the door and explain the situation to her. I tell her that there will be a cup of tea and no judgement what-so-ever waiting for her in the living room.
When she came down the stairs we were left with our mouths wide open…
It was the previously mentioned friend.
She had spent the night with my brother!
She looked at us in disbelief. I could see her trying to process the situation.
The housemate spoke up. He was loving this.
“Hey, i’m R. We met before. I am C’s housemate. I believe you already know J. He also lives with us…Oh, and he is C’s older brother!”
Both she and I scrunched our faces up and fixed our eyes anywhere but each other.
I made my excuses and retired to my room. She called a cab and left ours pretty quickly.
That was easily one of the most awkward encounters I have ever experienced.
Fortunately, I have not seen or heard about her since.
Although I do have 2 other brothers, so there’s every chance that I still might.
Once I had recovered from the trauma of the encounter we then had to wrestle with the decision whether or not to tell C everything.
Eventually we did.
My brother is so much cooler than I am.