New Job = New Awkwardness

I have a new job.

I probably should have mentioned that I quit my job a few weeks back. Sorry, it just slipped my mind.

Up until 5pm last Friday I was a Recruitment Consultant. It was a job I had been doing for 4 years.

I am now entering into the world of marketing.

I’m glad to be out of recruitment. I have always disliked it. I have plenty of valid reasons which I would share with you. Alas, there are just too many to list.

The major one was simply that I did not really fit in with most of my colleagues.

My most recruiters that I worked alongside are a bit like the character Derek from Stepbrothers (apologies if you do not get the reference). Although they weren’t as funny, even less self aware than the character and didn’t laugh at my Derek from Stepbrothers references.

You see, the majority of recruiters are pre occupied with money, flash suits, fancy cars and various other identifiers of wealth and status.

I on the other hand, own a bicycle and have somehow managed to wear odd shoes to work…more than once!

You can see why I did not fit in.

a lot less funny. Shame.

a lot less funny. Shame.

Monday was the first day at my new job.

Now first days and new starts worry me.

Mostly because I am afraid that I will make some sort of faux pas and embarrass myself.

Since making a poorly received joke on my first day of AS Law in college about wanting to study Law in order to become as asset to my family’s growing organised crime enterprise (people avoided me and treated me with suspicion for 3 months afterwards) I always approach new starts in the same way:

I try to keep quiet and let my personality out in small doses.

I read somewhere that women do this when in a new relationship (by ‘this’, I mean that they let their crazy side out gradually) and judging by the amount of my friends who are with, in their words, ‘mental birds’, I assume that it is quite effective.

As with my starts at Uni and every job I have ever had the plan is to be seen and not heard. At least until I can gauge my colleagues’ senses of humour.

Although I should say that the plan actually ‘was‘ to be seen and not heard.

I already messed up.

I should have done this

I should have done this

My new colleagues Elaine and Charlotte sit next to me and behind me. They were talking today about sex.

Due to my rule I kept quiet. I pretended to be working but was actually listening in. I was trying to not make it obvious that I was listening but it was tough. They were being quite loud.

Elaine then drops a bombshell.

“my daughter is 28 now and she’s not gotten any for 8 years now!”

Charlotte tried to process this revelation but she couldn’t and trailed off

“Oh…OK. So is that like a religious thing or….”

(Now, I will mention to you here that I have always had issues with my inner monologue. Sometimes it goes on loudspeaker. I can’t help it.)

I could hear words coming out of my mouth. Before I could stop myself it was out there…

“…or maybe she’s just hideously ugly?”


I should have said something else, tried to cover my tracks, apologise, blame someone else but the words weren’t there. Oh the irony!

Charlotte tried to stifle a laugh. Her attempt was feeble. Now Elaine looked cross. Charlotte’s laughing did not help matters either.

“Well actually, new guy,  she is stunning! She just chooses not to be with anyone”

I felt bad. I had not meant to offend or insult Elaine. I just meant to think it to myself.

I wanted to apologise but both she and I had meetings to go to. Separately.

Putting this guy to shame!

Putting this guy to shame!

The rest of the day saw Charlotte laughing about it more and sharing the story with the rest of the office.

Leaving the office tonight I saw Elaine in the car park. I smiled at her, hoping she would engage me and I could apologise.

Elaine brushed past me, walked straight to her car and got in. Maybe I am being paranoid but I am pretty sure she uttered the word ‘knob’ at me too.


Maybe recruitment and the Derek’s of this world aren’t so bad after all!


About Project Southsea

I blog mostly about my adventures in awkwardness.
This entry was posted in Humour/Awkwardness and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to New Job = New Awkwardness

  1. sociopathicuttlefish says:

    I literally facepalmed at your comment. Things all good now?

  2. frequentneed says:

    Well thankfully it hasnt been eight years and just feels like it. I would hate for you to call me hideously ugly.

    You’ll work it out, it can be tough for a time but when in doubt, bring your light saber.

  3. MissFourEyes says:

    That inner monologue always fails the best of us. I hope she isn’t too angry with you.

  4. Question: Is Elaine ugly? 😉

  5. Dawn Sievers says:

    One final attempt to see if I can get a reply to post. First 3 attempts refused to cooperate. I think it’s because WP has changed their format to not accept Blogger IDs. Trying FB instead. Okay, that might actually work! And if it doesn’t, I give up because I need to brave icy roads to get to work.

    (My blog link, btw, is

  6. Just started reading your blog – it’s hilarious! Great post – but hope it hasn’t caused everyone in the office to hate you!

  7. I read this and I was immediately happy! Someone else has as ineffective a filter as I do!
    Sorry I was excited by your unfortunate first day at work, but someone at my work threw up in front of everyone on their first day… So?

  8. Henry Toledo says:

    What an epic thing to say. I would of quit, hahah. You should of concluded with, “is she single?” then winked. I’m just joking, but that’s an awesome story!

  9. Eph A Bee says:

    So you may have messed up with Elaine, but at least you’ll likely be a hit with the rest of your co-workers. Or, at least, the ones with a sense of humor who count. I mean, seriously, what kind of a mom blabs about her daughter’s sex life in an office anyway? She sounds like a horrid woman. I feel bad for the daughter who has to have that woman as her mum.

  10. Emma T says:

    Oh dear. Made me snort with laughter though.
    I will take on board your learnings for when I get a new job and start it

  11. awkwardcharm says:

    As a fellow awkward I can relate to wanting to play it cool at first, but then having your inner self come out in loudspeaker. But that comment… I read it and slapped my hand over my own mouth! hahaha.

  12. I thought the organised crime gag was a good one.
    If you want real practice at work-related gaffs, I can recommend working for an outfit in Salt Lake City staffed almost entirely by Mormons.

  13. Pingback: The Sausage Sandwich Incident | Project Southsea blog

  14. Pingback: The Inner Monologue (or lack thereof). | Project Southsea blog

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