One of our biggest vices at Project Southsea is gambling.
My dad is a gambling man. He even has his own tipping line. Both C & I were indoctrined into the world of betting from an early age.
I know gambling is, as my mother says, ‘a mugs game’ but I enjoy it none the less. I don’t bet for big amounts (unlike my housemate R), it has no negative impact on my health (as opposed to drinking alcohol for example) and it makes life a little more interesting. As far as I see it, there is no real harm in this particular hobby.
The 3 of us in my house all gamble. A lot.
You can often find us in the casino opposite our place, or on SkyBet putting accumulators on various football matches or making stupid wagers with each other.
We have another wager ongoing at the moment and I need some help in winning it.
Sunday night at ours is usually move night. Yesterday it was C’s turn to pick the film. Having had a rough day at work he wants cheering up. He decides to pluck for a comedy.
After what seemed of hours of agonising over the decision he returns to the living room with a copy of The 40 Year Virgin. I like that film and have not watched it in years so I was happy enough to sit down and enjoy Steve Carell and his pals get into humorous situations whilst attempted to secure Steve a lady friend.
The film finishes and we start discussing the film. C is especially chatty tonight.
“sex is awesome isn’t it?”
It’s a hard statement to argue with. In fact, we are all in agreement on that issue. He carries on.
“Can you imagine how crap would it be to be an actual virgin at aged 40”
Again, it is a hard statement to argue with. As C said before, sex is awesome. C & R are very much in agreement on this matter.
I agree with them too but decide to try and get a proper debate started up (some call it playing devils advocate, others call it trolling, others call it being a prick. Either way, you are probably right).
“It wouldn’t be that crap though really would it?”
C & R are outraged. After a silly amount of time spend gasping they turn on me. They call me names and question my intelligence. R wants to know my reasoning.
“I bet you can’t think of 5 reasons why being a 40 year old virgin wouldn’t be so bad”
We decided to make this a formal arrangement.
Our friend Dean is coming home this week. On Thursday we are all going out to dinner. At dinner I have to give my 5 reasons to Dean. If he agrees with me then dinner for all for us is on R. If Dean disagrees then everyone is eating courtesy of me that night.
We all agreed not to mention anything to Dean about this.
So I have until Thursday to come with something. I have spent most of today pretending to work whilst secretly thinking about this.
It’s been a tough one. I really struggled.
On the train home from work I made notes on my phone. This is what I have so far:
5 reasons why being a 40 Year Old Virgin wouldn’t be so bad:
1. You won’t miss sex
Those of you who been in relationships or gone through a period in life where you were having regular sex and then find yourself in a position (no pun intended) where you are now not having any sex will know what I am talking about. You miss it.
My granddad always used to say “what you’ve never had, you’ll never miss” and I think that there is some degree of truth to that. For example, I don’t miss being soul legend James Brown, mostly because I have never been soul legend James Brown. How I could miss sex if I have never experienced it? Surely this would save a 40 year old virgin from potential longing, angst and upset which they would not experience if they have had sex before.
2. Fewer awkward encounters
By show of hands, have you ever ran into someone who you have had sex with, or who you used to have sex with but now you don’t have sex with them anymore? Most of you. Ok, hands down. If you are anything like me then you will know that this is an awkward moment. Really awkward. I mean, there was definitely a reason you stopped having sex with each other. Who wants to think about that?
3. No STD’s
Nuff said with this one. Luckily, I have never had an STD myself but a close friend of mine has had chlamydia more than once. From what he tells me, it was nasty.
4. Umm…You can become an expert at something.
Yeah I am already starting to run out of ideas. Please hear me out though.
I recently read book called Bounce. In it the author discussed how elite sports personalities, top musicians and basically anyone who has made to it the highest echelons of their particular field has not been able to do so on natural talent alone. You need to practice. For hours. He estimates that 10,000 hours dedicated training and practice is what one requires to develop a skill to elite level.
In ‘Beyond the Pleasure Principle’ Sigmund Freud attributed most human behaviour to sexual desire. That means that most things we do, we do in order to fulfil sexual urges.
He may have a point. I can’t tell you the hours I wasted away as a teenager thinking up ways to make myself appear more desirable to the opposite sex (usually with disastrous consequences – I once thought that having both ears pierced would make girls like me. It didn’t). In fact, most things I did as a teenager was to try and get girls to like me.
Perhaps if I would have spent that time and energy on something else, like school or writing or practicing badminton or something then maybe I could have really made something of myself. Maybe I could have written a novel or become a doctor or at least gotten like really good at badminton or something! (I am not good at badminton by the way).
And that’s just the teenage years! Imagine what people could accomplish if they spent their entire lives focused on things other than sex?….oooh that gives me an idea…
5. You would be helping to make the world a better place.
If what I said above is true (although it probably isn’t, hopefully Dean buys it though) then a 40 year virgin will be an expert in some craft. What if that thing is science? Or Politics? Or medicine? What if, at 40, someone had placed all the energy, time and resource that goes around desiring, pursuing, having and dealing with the probably fall-out from having sex into something like finding a cure for cancer? Or finding a way to end world hunger? Or successfully achieving nuclear fusion?
They’d be a hero. They would have benefited mankind. The world would be a better place all because they didn’t bump uglies with anyone.
I think I may be really reaching with that last point.
So there is argument so far.
What do you all think? Pretty flimsy right? No Dean will go for this.
Any opinions, ideas, suggestions and feedback of any kind is most welcome.
I am really starting to regret my decision to have taken this wager on. I can’t imagine that I can win this argument. I know C & R will not let me back of this one either.
I suppose it’s my own fault for trying to wind them up. I think their is a lesson in here somewhere that I am yet to figure out. Probably something about my mouth writing cheques or something.
Hopefully you will take pity and help. I really don’t want to have to pay for dinner. Those guys eat a lot.
Please help. I promise I wont ask for your help with a bet again.