Help me to win a bet…

One of our biggest vices at Project Southsea is gambling.

My dad is a gambling man. He even has his own tipping line. Both C & I were indoctrined into the world of betting from an early age.

I know gambling is, as my mother says, ‘a mugs game’ but I enjoy it none the less. I don’t bet for big amounts (unlike my housemate R), it has no negative impact on my health (as opposed to drinking alcohol for example) and it makes life a little more interesting. As far as I see it, there is no real harm in this particular hobby.

The 3 of us in my house all gamble. A lot.

You can often find us in the casino opposite our place, or on SkyBet putting accumulators on various football matches or making stupid wagers with each other.

We have another wager ongoing at the moment and I need some help in winning it.

You gotta know when to hold em...

Kenny understands…probably

Sunday night at ours is usually move night. Yesterday it was C’s turn to pick the film. Having had a rough day at work he wants cheering up. He decides to pluck for a comedy.

After what seemed of hours of agonising over the decision he returns to the living room with a copy of The 40 Year Virgin. I like that film and have not watched it in years so I was happy enough to sit down and enjoy Steve Carell and his pals get into humorous situations whilst attempted to secure Steve a lady friend.

The film finishes and we start discussing the film. C is especially chatty tonight.

“sex is awesome isn’t it?”

It’s a hard statement to argue with. In fact, we are all in agreement on that issue. He carries on.

“Can you imagine how crap would it be to be an actual virgin at aged 40”

Again, it is a hard statement to argue with. As C said before, sex is awesome. C & R are very much in agreement on this matter.

I agree with them too but decide to try and get a proper debate started up (some call it playing devils advocate, others call it trolling, others call it being a prick. Either way, you are probably right).

“It wouldn’t be that crap though really would it?”

C & R are outraged. After a silly amount of time spend gasping they turn on me. They call me names and question my intelligence. R wants to know my reasoning.

“I bet you can’t think of 5 reasons why being a 40 year old virgin wouldn’t be so bad”

Challenge Accepted.

I'm sure Steve agree with me

I’m sure Steve agrees with me

We decided to make this a formal arrangement.

Our friend Dean is coming home this week. On Thursday we are all going out to dinner.  At dinner I have to give my 5 reasons to Dean. If he agrees with me then dinner for all for us is on R. If Dean disagrees then everyone is eating courtesy of me that night.

We all agreed not to mention anything to Dean about this.

So I have until Thursday to come with something. I have spent most of today pretending to work whilst secretly thinking about this.

It’s been a tough one. I really struggled.

On the train home from work I made notes on my phone. This is what I have so far:

5 reasons why being a 40 Year Old Virgin wouldn’t be so bad:

1. You won’t miss sex

Those of you who been in relationships or gone through a period in life where you were having regular sex and then find yourself in a position (no pun intended) where you are now not having any sex will know what I am talking about. You miss it.

My granddad always used to say “what you’ve never had, you’ll never miss” and I think that there is some degree of truth to that. For example, I don’t miss being soul legend James Brown, mostly because I have never been soul legend James Brown. How I could miss sex if I have never experienced it? Surely this would save a 40 year old virgin from potential longing, angst and upset which they would not experience if they have had sex before.

2. Fewer awkward encounters

By show of hands, have you ever ran into someone who you have had sex with, or who you used to have sex with but now you don’t have sex with them anymore? Most of you. Ok, hands down. If you are anything like me then you will know that this is an awkward moment. Really awkward. I mean, there was definitely a reason you stopped having sex with each other. Who wants to think about that?

3. No STD’s

Nuff said with this one. Luckily, I have never had an STD myself but a close friend of mine has had chlamydia more than once. From what he tells me, it was nasty.

4. Umm…You can become an expert at something.

Yeah I am already starting to run out of ideas. Please hear me out though.

I recently read book called Bounce. In it the author discussed how elite sports personalities, top musicians and basically anyone who has made to it the highest echelons of their particular field has not been able to do so on natural talent alone. You need to practice. For hours. He estimates that 10,000 hours dedicated training and practice is what one requires to develop a skill to elite level.

In ‘Beyond the Pleasure Principle’ Sigmund Freud attributed most human behaviour to sexual desire. That means that most things we do, we do in order to fulfil sexual urges.

He may have a point. I can’t tell you the hours I wasted away as a teenager thinking up ways to make myself appear more desirable to the opposite sex (usually with disastrous consequences – I once thought that having both ears pierced would make girls like me. It didn’t). In fact, most things I did as a teenager was to try and get girls to like me.

Perhaps if I would have spent that time and energy on something else, like school or writing or practicing badminton or something then maybe I could have really made something of myself. Maybe I could have written a novel or become a doctor or at least gotten like really good at badminton or something! (I am not good at badminton by the way).

And that’s just the teenage years! Imagine what people could accomplish if they spent their entire lives focused on things other than sex?….oooh that gives me an idea…

5. You would be helping to make the world a better place.

If what I said above is true (although it probably isn’t, hopefully Dean buys it though) then a 40 year virgin will be an expert in some craft. What if that thing is science? Or Politics? Or medicine? What if, at 40, someone had placed all the energy, time and resource that goes around desiring, pursuing, having and dealing with the probably fall-out from having sex into something like finding a cure for cancer? Or finding a way to end world hunger? Or successfully achieving nuclear fusion?

They’d be a hero. They would have benefited mankind. The world would be a better place all because they didn’t bump uglies with anyone.

I think I may be really reaching with that last point.

They did it all for the nookie...

They did it all for the nookie…

So there is argument so far.

What do you all think? Pretty flimsy right? No Dean will go for this.

Any opinions, ideas, suggestions and feedback of any kind is most welcome.

I am really starting to regret my decision to have taken this wager on. I can’t imagine that I can win this argument. I know C & R will not let me back of this one either.

I suppose it’s my own fault for trying to wind them up. I think their is a lesson in here somewhere that I am yet to figure out. Probably something about my mouth writing cheques or something.

Hopefully you will take pity and help. I really don’t want to have to pay for dinner. Those guys eat a lot.

Please help. I promise I wont ask for your help with a bet again.

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About Project Southsea

I blog mostly about my adventures in awkwardness.
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15 Responses to Help me to win a bet…

  1. frequentneed says:

    Im sure if my life continues on its current path, by the age of forty, I’ll feel like a virgin and Ill be able to reap these benefits.

  2. Eph A Bee says:

    Reasons 1 and 3 are certainly the strongest ones you’ve got. Number 2 depends on how much sex you’ve had–if you’ve had 2 partners, it’s not that hard to avoid them unless you’re living on an island or some small country town where everyone knows everything. Perhaps if it were expanded a little to something like “Less sex guilt/awkwardness” because certainly people do a lot of self-shaming and feel guilty. I have a friend who’s always allowing the sex guilt force him into awful, horrible relationships with some of the most unhealthy, mentally unstable girls I’ve ever met.

    Number 4 and 5…. eh. You might be able to convince someone of those things, but it’s sort of like a movie theater where you can’t quite suspend enough disbelief to really accept it because Kevin Bacon is doing such a painful job of saying his lines, you’re cringing and can’t stop thinking, “Why the hell does anyone cast him in ANYthing, and why did I pay to see this trash?”

    I mean, perhaps you could write a solid essay and convince me at the end of it of these two reasons, but if it’s that difficult to convince someone, can you really get a friend to agree with you over the table without a 30 minute speech for either point? Probably not. Probably 4 has more potential than 5.

    One reason you left out: bad sex. Laughably, hysterically, bad sex that might be worth a story when everyone’s so pissed they’ll barely remember it and you can forget your embarrassment enough to tell it. Besides the awfulness of it, what if your first few encounters are so bad you develop insecurities and a complex about it? Or what if your first is so bad, it makes you avoid it? Or possibly sex that is traumatizing (rape). Who’s really going to argue, “I’d rather be raped than a virgin at 40?”

    And possibly as a way to salvage number 5: you won’t have to worry about contributing to the overpopulation of the world and little yous running around that you don’t know about.

    Funny bet though. I can’t wait to hear how it turns out. 🙂

    • Some great points here. Thanks very much. I especially like the ideas about awkwardness and the bad sex. Those are getting added to my argument somehow.

      In regards to point 4, as my friend is not the brightest of individuals, I figured I could simply point my finger in air and proclaim “it’s science”. I am sure that would convince him.

      Kevin Bacon sucks. We can not turn on a TV in the UK at the moment without seeing him advertising something!

      • Eph A Bee says:

        Haha! I think older folks don’t loathe him as much and gives him the credits he still manages. Any time my parents recommend I watch a movie and it’s got Kevin Bacon in it, I just sigh.

  3. Nerd Dad says:

    Just did a trawl of medline – PDF of articles posted (where available)

    Men sleep better alone (http://yhoo.it/113WYOA) & sleep quality affects life expectancy (http://bit.ly/TPavXo) and cognitive ability (http://1.usa.gov/WybmHe).
    Better educational achievement in abstinent females, you do not specify gender in your bet so benefits for females also stands. (http://1.usa.gov/UyS4E2)

    Better for the planet – no offspring. (no reference required)

    Hope that helps

  4. Henry Toledo says:

    You can also add something about you don’t have to worry about an overly attached crazy girl that you slept with

  5. H. Stern says:

    You never have to worry about whether that baby is YOURS. Yes, you can get a DNA test AFTER the baby is born, but that’s 9 months of wondering if your life is over. MORE, if she’s a crazy chick who procrastinates on getting the test done.

    AND IN THE MEANTIME: she’s telling people it’s your baby, and you aren’t taking care of it, and gosh, what a JERK you are, and people judge you as guilty, even if the kid doesn’t turn out to be yours!

    …but I wouldn’t go with the “you won’t miss it” argument. I’m a chick, and I think I would miss it. Men seem to be pretty focused. Even the virgins I knew.

    • Another great point. You would not get entangled in a ‘you’re my baby daddy’ scenario.

      The only downside I can see to this is that it would put the Maury Povich show out of business! What would the show become without ‘you are not the father’?

      • Eph A Bee says:

        Don’t forget to mention that London wouldn’t have been able to produce that Jerry Springer: The Opera show 10 years ago if it weren’t for the “you are not the father” business! (Not that I had the chance to see the show while in London, alas.)

      • H. Stern says:

        Hmmm…. a compelling argument. Well, there’s still always the obese 10 year olds…?

  6. Pingback: The Bet: an update | Project Southsea blog

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