I try to refrain from telling lies.
Whilst I would like to say that this is due to me being a man of upstanding moral fibre, that’s not true (some would even call that a lie and, as I mentioned a moment ago, I try to refrain from doing that).
But I digress.
There are a couple reasons that I don’t tell lies. I’ll share them with you:
1) As a kid the film Liar Liar made quite an impression on me. Jim Carey told lots of lies, it made him seem like a bad person.
2) I have a bad memory. In the past I have told lies, forgotten I have told them and ended up accidently outing myself as a liar.
3) The world seems to have a vendetta against me. Therefore, any lie that I do tell, even those that have good intentions, always seem to backfire on me.
Number 3 cropped up at work today.
So all of my co-workers are in long term, stable relationships. Even our cleaner has 30 happy years of marriage behind her.
My colleagues spend a great deal of time talking about their partners and seem to view me with an air of suspicion simply because of my single status.
They just can’t seem to fathom why I seem to be happy enough being without a partner for the time being.
Am I the only person who finds that people in relationships are always on a mission to make sure everyone else is in relationships too? Those matchmaker types bug me.
Charlotte at my office is one of these types.
Despite only working with Charlotte for little over a month she has already dropped into several conversations that she has a couple of friends who ‘would be perfect for me’.
I usually just pretend that I didn’t hear her or someone manage to steer the conversation elsewhere, causing her to promptly forget.
Yesterday we were having a company meeting. These are traditionally informal affairs.
As our meeting was winding down, Charlotte spoke.
“Oh, Jay. Hope you don’t mind but my sister and I were looking at your Facebook profile last night. She wanted to know if she can have your number?”
Everyone stopped and looked at me.
(I will quickly interject here. I have briefly met Charlotte’s sister once before. I am guessing she doesn’t remember. We share a mutual friend. All I will say is that she is not my type.)
I had to respond. There was no way of avoiding this one.
I didn’t want to give Charlotte’s sister my number but I also did not want to hurt Charlotte’s feelings (I am also a little bit scared of Charlotte).
I needed a way out.
I panicked. And then, the following words came out…
“Ah…well…er…that would be lovely Charlotte….but…um…however I am currently seeing someone…yeah, so i’m afraid that I can’t go giving my number out to girls. Sorry.”
However, Charlotte nodded. She understood. She even apologised. Bullet dodged.
Then Jason spoke up.
“You kept that one quiet mate. I take it she’ll be coming to my birthday meal next weekend then?”
I’d forgotten about his birthday meal.
Jason seemed very excited about it. He carried on talking.
“This is really great news. I was worried you’d be the only there without a partner and look like a bit of a lemon as the single guy. I expect to see you and this young lady there. I won’t take no for an answer.”
Rather than dig myself into a larger hole, I remained silent. Maybe they’d all forget about it. Or so I hoped.
However Jason later called the restaurant and changed the reservation from 15 people to 16. He announced this to the office too.
All afternoon the office was a buzz with them all wanting to know more my new (imaginary) lady friend. They keep asking me questions but I kept quiet and did not say anything.
I am trying to bury my head in the sand on this one but as I am not seeing one (not even close) and they are not letting this one die, it looks like I am going to have to do something.
I was talking to R indoors about this and he suggests that I have a couple of options:
1) come clean, tell everyone the truth and face up to the embarrassment (and Charlotte’s possible wrath) like a grown up
2) somehow in the next 2 weeks I could meet a woman, start dating her and bring her along
3) hire a woman to come along for the evening
4) fall deeper into a larger web of lies and fake some kind of break up in the days leading up to his meal.
I am now agonising over which option to take.
I am scared to take option 1 as things have been going so well at work that I don’t want to ruin it. I think option 2 is impossible without seeming a tad mental and clingy to someone you have just started dating . I have neither the financial means nor knowledge of how to hire a woman, so this makes option 3 a tad tricky and option 4 is not desirable because of…well, the story I have just told. Lies backfire on me.
This is why I refrain from telling lies. It always goes wrong.