Why I don’t tell lies.

I try to refrain from telling lies.

Whilst I would like to say that this is due to me being a man of upstanding moral fibre, that’s not true (some would even call that a lie and, as I mentioned a moment ago, I try to refrain from doing that).

But I digress.

There are a couple reasons that I don’t tell lies. I’ll share them with you:
1) As a kid the film Liar Liar made quite an impression on me. Jim Carey told lots of lies, it made him seem like a bad person.
2) I have a bad memory. In the past I have told lies, forgotten I have told them and ended up accidently outing myself as a liar.
3) The world seems to have a vendetta against me. Therefore, any lie that I do tell, even those that have good intentions, always seem to backfire on me.

Number 3 cropped up at work today.

Rubbery-faced jerk!

Rubbery-faced jerk!

So all of my co-workers are in long term, stable relationships. Even our cleaner has 30 happy years of marriage behind her.

My colleagues spend a great deal of time talking about their partners and seem to view me with an air of suspicion simply because of my single status.

They just can’t seem to fathom why I seem to be happy enough being without a partner for the time being.

Am I the only person who finds that people in relationships are always on a mission to make sure everyone else is in relationships too? Those matchmaker types bug me.

Charlotte at my office is one of these types.

Despite only working with Charlotte for little over a month she has already dropped into several conversations that she has a couple of friends who ‘would be perfect for me’.

I usually just pretend that I didn’t hear her or someone manage to steer the conversation elsewhere, causing her to promptly forget.

Spoiler Alert: they end up together...and this film sucks!

Spoiler Alert: they end up together…and this film sucks!

Yesterday we were having a company meeting. These are traditionally informal affairs.

As our meeting was winding down, Charlotte spoke.

“Oh, Jay. Hope you don’t mind but my sister and I were looking at your Facebook profile last night. She wanted to know if she can have your number?”

Everyone stopped and looked at me.

(I will quickly interject here. I have briefly met Charlotte’s sister once before. I am guessing she doesn’t remember. We share a mutual friend.  All I will say is that she is not my type.)

I had to respond. There was no way of avoiding this one.

I didn’t want to give Charlotte’s sister my number but I also did not want to hurt Charlotte’s feelings (I am also a little bit scared of Charlotte).

I needed a way out.

I panicked. And then, the following words came out…

“Ah…well…er…that would be lovely Charlotte….but…um…however I am currently seeing someone…yeah, so i’m afraid that I can’t go giving my number out to girls. Sorry.”

I lied.

However, Charlotte nodded. She understood. She even apologised. Bullet dodged.

Then Jason spoke up.

“You kept that one quiet mate. I take it she’ll be coming to my birthday meal next weekend then?”

Oh crap.

I’d forgotten about his birthday meal.

Jason seemed very excited about it. He carried on talking.

“This is really great news. I was worried you’d be the only there without a partner and look like a bit of a lemon as the single guy. I expect to see you and this young lady there. I won’t take no for an answer.”

Oh crap.

Lemon?! More like awesome!

Lemon?! More like awesome!

Rather than dig myself into a larger hole, I remained silent. Maybe they’d all forget about it. Or so I hoped.

However Jason later called the restaurant and changed the reservation from 15 people to 16. He announced this to the office too.

All afternoon the office was a buzz with them all wanting to know more my new (imaginary) lady friend. They keep asking me questions but I kept quiet and did not say anything.

I am trying to bury my head in the sand on this one but as I am not seeing one (not even close) and they are not letting this one die, it looks like I am going to have to do something.


I was talking to R indoors about this and he suggests that I have a couple of options:

1) come clean, tell everyone the truth and face up to the embarrassment (and Charlotte’s possible wrath) like a grown up

2) somehow in the next 2 weeks I could meet a woman, start dating her and bring her along

3) hire a woman to come along for the evening

4) fall deeper into a larger web of lies and fake some kind of break up in the days leading up to his meal.


I am now agonising over which option to take.

I am scared to take option 1 as things have been going so well at work that I don’t want to ruin it. I think option 2 is impossible without seeming a tad mental and clingy to someone you have just started dating . I have neither the financial means nor knowledge of how to hire a woman, so this makes option 3 a tad tricky and option 4 is not desirable because of…well, the story I have just told. Lies backfire on me.

This is why I refrain from telling lies. It always goes wrong.


About Project Southsea

I blog mostly about my adventures in awkwardness.
This entry was posted in Humour/Awkwardness and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

39 Responses to Why I don’t tell lies.

  1. awkwardcharm says:

    I can relate to the stress of being single in these situations. And to having lies backfire… Hm. I vote options #1 or #4 OR you can go option #5 and ask a female friend to come and pose as a girl you’re dating. Say you haven’t been dating long so that people don’t expect you to know everything about each other/be too affectionate. Good luck!

  2. dsantos85 says:

    I’m also the type of person not to lie! I hate it….it always backfires on me as well. Out of your options, I think either #1 or #4 are the best. I mean, honesty is the best policy….but it could also hurt Charlotte’s feelings to know that you’d rather make somebody up than give your number uot to her sister LOL. So that could also cause a problem.

    As for #4, it may not even be a “deeper web of lies” persay. You should just simply say….it didn’t work out and I’d rather not talk about it. So maybe they’ll just back off and not ask you questions and hopefully at some point they’ll just forget about the whole situation! hahah

    whatever option you choose to go with, good luck!

    • Thanks mate. I had the best of intentions, I promise!

      Knowing what my colleagues are like, if I say that it didn’t work out they will probably want to talk about it and comfort me. Hopefully they’d respect my privacy. I think I may do this or awkward charm’s option #5.

  3. Good luck with this one!!!

  4. Eph A Bee says:

    Well, that’s certainly quite a pickle. As much as I would like to add a vote to the inviting a female friend along idea, it comes with some serious things to consider. One, she has to be totally understanding of the situation and not blow your cover; two, both of you need to come up with some basic info for you both to be able to share and not face your lies unraveling while at the party (how’d you meet? where? when?) and make sure you have it memorized… then you can break up afterwards, but the problem is you’ll likely find more attempts to set you up once people feel sympathy for you… so it would just lead to that impossibly sticky web of lies that only digs yourself a deeper hole.

    Sooooo maybe you could have your Manti Te’o girlfriend become suddenly ill the day of and not show? Then you wouldn’t risk having stories/details that don’t match if two people are involved, and maybe people would leave you alone instead of trying to set you up—but if you don’t have an imaginary breakup to go along with it, people might get upset once it becomes obvious your girlfriend’s imaginary.

    Or you could come clean… but that would likely make things awkward in the office for a while.

    • You make some interesting points here Eph. I don’t know if any of my female friends would be capable of sustaining a lie for an evening. Especially as the alcohol flows!

      I had to google the Manti Te’o expression. That is a crazy story! Proves I should nip things in the bud before things get out of hand.

      Thanks for the input.

  5. frequentneed says:

    I just say go alone and when asked any questions shrug your shoulders and say nothing. If they’re too persistent, get out your light saber. Flash it about, intimidate them with your weapon.

  6. sociopathicuttlefish says:

    Seem like everyone’s got there before me-take a female friend! OR a guy friend, claim homosexuality, break up, and they’ll be none the wiser!

    • Hmmmm. You know I don’t think I ever said to them that it was a woman. I could bring a male friend and totally blow their minds. Then when they actually ask questions I could just say that it didn’t work out with the lady but brought a bloke just to mess with everyone.

      This idea needs developing but we may be onto something here dude. You free next weekend? lol.

  7. tisfortea says:

    Hope this works out for you, I know I’d be exactly the same in that situation! If there aren’t any female friends you could take I’d just turn up alone and say that things didn’t work out with the woman you were seeing, keeping things vague!

  8. dyason says:

    Just say that your girlfriend doesn’t feel ready to meet others yet. You’re still at the hot sex only stage.

  9. This had me laughing hard! Please let us know how it goes.

  10. finazzo380 says:

    There’s one other option. Borrow somebody’s girlfriend/sister/wife. Tell them you need bailed out and take them as your date. Survive the meal, and save face at work. Just an idea. Good luck bud!

  11. hermitageno8 says:

    could your imaginary girlfriend have a prior commitment on the night of the meal out? Then obviously you would need to drop into conversation over the next few weeks that she is clingy/ psychotic/ unfaithful and quietly break up with her before anyone else invites her out!
    Be sure your lies will find you out my granny used to say – but I can see why you had to make her up to save face! Good luck and please share what happens next!

  12. Nichola says:

    I would say it’s very early days, you’re only seeing each other a couple of times a week and neither of you are ready for the big meeting of friends yet…..then add dyasons bit and say she’d be too knackered anyway after all the hot sex!

  13. Oof, that’s one trouble scene you got there, my friend! I hate telling lies, so I would also vote for #1. Because you may bring a girl to pretend along the way, but people will notice you lied at some point in your lifetime. I don’t know, it’s quite an awkward situation. Is it bad that I laughed at your latest little misery? Man! XD Let us know how it ends up. Good luck!

  14. riliye says:

    I will admit, my first instinct was to agree with the others who’ve said ask a female friend to pose as your date. But the more I think about it…if your coworkers know you’ve been single, I don’t see how it’s too far out of the question that perhaps this girl of yours just isn’t ready to be meeting your friends or coworkers. You have after all, in theory, only been dating a short period of time.

    Haha, you could always just say she really wants to take it slow and that you’re afraid bringing her to a multi-couple dinner date birthday party of a coworker might be pushing that envelope.

    Or maybe “catch the flu”? No imaginary girlfriend to worry about if you don’t go!

    • Very sensible options and opinions here. Thanks very much.

      I am thinking that I may say that “things didn’t work out and I am not ready to date anyone right now”. That should appease everyone me thinks. What do you think?

      • riliye says:

        Well, I know if a co-worker told me that, I’d do one of two things: a) Feel really bad for them and probably not bring it up anymore, or b) Hound you to the end of the earth for details. I think this last one might only apply to girls. We surely like to say “What a jerk!”.

        As far as the sister’s number goes…if she brings it up again you could always go the semi-truthful route and tell her that you are just not ready for a serious relationship and so you don’t want to lead her on. You know, cause she deserves better or something. This may also further your mystical status as a rogue single guy, so hey, two birds one stone.

      • Being in possession of a mystical status as a rogue single guy is very appealing.

        Alas, I am probably not cool enough to pull it off.

        Can’t hurt to try though eh?

  15. rockmystar says:

    You see, not a single soul can help you.
    It is only you who can help you. That is the bottom line…
    Good luck on your decision! .)
    I really look forward to the continuance of this story. 🙂
    – –

    • Hey rockmysta. Thanks for stopping by. I know that this whole situation is my fault and do plan on dealing with the matter personally.

      It is just that I am a little bit inept socially so look to get opinions and guidance from people who have greater social skills than I in the hope that they have better advice than my equally inept friends.

  16. Pingback: An update on the lying story… | Project Southsea blog

  17. Pingback: Can males and females be friends? | Project Southsea blog

  18. Ryan Naylor says:

    Truth is always the better foundation to build upon.

    If your co-workers confront you, fess-up and it’s really none of their business regardless of their intentions. It was not the appropriate time to ask the initial question anyhow and should have been dismissed by a manager/supervisor. Don’t mean to be all serious, but people need to respect their co-workers private lives. Yeah, things may be uncomfortable in the workplace, but hell, you can always work some place else – option #6.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s