Where I write a letter to myself…

As most of you will know, last weekend was a bit of a rubbish one.

Fortunately, this weekend was one that was relatively incident free. After the past 7 days it was much needed.

The only downside with a quiet weekend is that it gives me little to write about. I was worried that I may have to delve into the archives again and share with you the time my dad drunkenly offered me Viagra! Luckily I don’t.

However inspiration struck me when I was reading through some other blogs. In an act of blatant thievery (if that is even a word???), which has not been seen since Winona Ryder walked into that Fifth Avenue store back in 2001, I pinched an idea that I saw used on two other separate blogs…

…writing a letter to yourself in the past.

Their posts (I wish that I had links to them) were interesting, creative and full of depth. Each displayed a long emotional journey with highs, low and heartfelt words of wisdom that one can only articulate after reflecting on a tough and strenuous life. Luckily, they had both come out the other side 0f it better off and seemed truly comfortable with themselves.

I am not certain if mine will be like that but I will give it a shot.

Now, you should know that as an 18 year old I was an idiot. However as I am now a little older and a little wiser I really think that I am in a position to give that idiot a spot of advice. So here goes nothing…

You know what you are Ryder!

You know what you are Ryder!

A letter to my 18 year old self. 

Dear 18 year old Jay,

I am writing to you from the year 2013. Yes, that means that I am writing to you from the future. Despite your daydreams, time travel has not yet been invented and you are yet to have any adventures going back in the past a’la Marty McFly. (You will actually still be hoping for this to become a reality in 2013).

Now I know you don’t really feel all too comfortable with all the emotional, sentimental and soppy stuff so I won’t dwell on anything of that nature here. All I will say is go and visit your Nan more often (she does not get better) and make sure you give Kelly Mac a call whilst you still can.

Anyways, I figured that I would use the benefit of hindsight to drop you a quick line and give you some advice in order to prepare you for the years that lie ahead.

As I know that you get headaches from reading lots of text I will break the main parts down into points for you:

Whilst we’re on the subject, those headaches are because you need glasses and not because you maybe have a brain tumour you hypochondriac! Go and get an eye test now! Do not ignore it for 2 years and make your eyesight worse!

That faux-hawk haircut does not suit you. Please remove it immediately.

As of 2013, Liverpool are still yet to win the Premier League. Stop making foolish bets on this with your friends every year. You’ll save yourself a fortune.

Change your email address! Trust me.

In 3 months time work will surprisingly invite you to an awards ceremony where you actually win an award! Jeans, T-shirt and Baseball Cap are NOT appropriate attire for this event. You will be mercilessly teased for years (even by people who weren’t there) if you go dressed like that. Wear a shirt and tie you idiot!

Whilst building a wall of used beer cans in your room may sound like fun, it will actually make your room stink to high heaven and will almost ruin things for you with a girl you like. Just throw them out upon consumption.

– Drink some coffee before you take that girl from your English Class to the cinema. Otherwise you will fall asleep during the film, only to wake up and find out that she left already. It will be beyond embarrassing for you.

In 5 months time, you will go to a nightclub, drink too much and feel queasy. Do not then approach a bouncer and enquire as to where a good place to throw up would be. He’ll throw you out into the street and it will hurt for weeks afterwards. That’s part of his job. Duh!

When you meet Hayley’s parents for the first time, do not try and light a cigarette on their stove. You will end up singeing your hair and eyebrows, thus making you look like an idiot! You will then spend years unsuccessfully trying to prove them wrong.

In fact, don’t smoke at all. It’s bad for you…and expensive!

Hopefully these will all hold you in good stead and make your transition into adulthood a little easier.

Oh, seeing as I am here I will also give you a heads up that you were right and Mason is autistic.

This will take a while to become official, Mum will also not remember you making this suggestion so feel free to mention it at every given opportunity. She won’t mind. Don’t worry about him either. He is blossoming into one of the most fascinating, funny and remarkable people that you have ever met.

One more thing, you and R eventually do end up sharing a house. You are living with him now. It takes you both a little longer to get there than you originally planned though (women get in the way) but that is a story for another day.

C is living with you too. Yeah, you guys are mates these days. Practically best mates in fact…I’m not even kidding!

Before I leave I should also say that I know that after smoking some illegal substances and re-watching The Matrix recently you are a little paranoid that computers will soon become sentient and will enslave all humans. Please relax, this has yet to happen and doesn’t look like happening any time soon.

I leave it there. I wouldn’t want to spoil the future for you.

Don’t worry. Everything is going to fine.

Take care.

2013 Jay.

 

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About Project Southsea

I blog mostly about my adventures in awkwardness.
This entry was posted in Advice, Humour/Awkwardness and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Where I write a letter to myself…

  1. H. Stern says:

    I didn’t see any “don’t get herpes!” so either Good Job, or Guess A Warning Wouldn’t Have Helped. I’m gonna go with Good Job!

    Did you really fall asleep during a date? I can’t believe she didn’t wake you up! That’s a little rude of her. Whatever. People fall asleep. She sounds kinda bitchy. Unless you’re still with her, in which case: I’m sure she’s delightful.

    • I wish I had a like button for this comment 🙂

      Good advice to your 18 year old self though Jay. My letter would probably say more about not attempting to outdrink rugby teams and encouraging myself to actually do some work at Uni. Oh, and trying to avoid the unfortunate Monica Lewinsky occasion (there’s a story for another time)

    • Ha! Maybe I don’t regret the herpes…

      I am afraid to say I really did. Alas, we are not together these days. I think I dodged a bullet with that one anyways. She used to pronounce the word ‘something’ as ‘somethink’. It was never going to last!

      • H. Stern says:

        I met this really…. I was going to say “nice” but I have a feeling that would be inaccurate. I met this really… old woman once, and she used to pronounce “memoir” as “mem-WAH,” which, if that HAPPENS to be your accent, ok whatever. But you could tell she was just putting it on to sound fancy. She was in this writing class I took, and she introduced herself by saying, “I’ve lead SUCH an interesting life, that all my friends say I should write my mem-WAHS. I went to Tibet!” I was like, “Bitch, that’s the shit people say when they want you to stop talking about yourself, but are trying to be nice.” Only…. I said it to our teacher, not to her. Because that’s….. mean? I don’t know.

        I say all this to say, people who can’t fucking pronounce words like normal human beings should not be allowed near the rest of us…. who also probably shouldn’t be near normal human beings, but for entirely different reasons.

      • princessthought2013 says:

        LOL I have to agree with that. I am laughing out loud seeing some pretentious people saying mem-wah! I know this person who EVERY TIME she tells a story has to include “well, I did some research” meaning somewhere on the internet that we all use she saw what she wanted to see and now it is a part of her. ha ha.

  2. princessthought2013 says:

    Wow. How hard was that? Good, honest, brave. I thought about trying it but I think I’d pretty quickly work myself into a nervous breakdown or end up joining the circus. (Kidding about the circus – ha). Too much regret and drama in my past.
    Ps LOVE the Matrix!!!

    • Thanks for the kind words. It was not too hard you know. If anything, I could have written a lot more. 18 year old me really was an idiot!

      PS – You have good taste in films!

      • princessthought2013 says:

        I just now got this comment. Been busy. OK BEEN LAZY and tired and not logging on …. my 18 year old self was an idiot and obnoxious as well. I don’t know many 18 year old that weren’t ha ha. OK I knew OF them but they certainly didn’t hang around ME…
        Good taste in films… I LOVE MOVIES!!!!!! I am a movie freak. I get lost in them.
        Recent recommends newly watched by me – Ruby Sparks. I think I am addicted to Paul Dano. Hmm what else… that Silver Linings Playbook is good – Bradley Cooper is much better than what’s her face. Looper – good. Inception better. I am not sure what Joseph GL did to his face for Looper but hope it isn’t permanent. If you haven’t watched Derek (Ricky Gervais – BBC Channel 4 (on you tube and of course available in DVD’s) it’s AWESOME!!!

  3. Falling asleep on a date – yup, beyond embarrassing! Must have taken a while to get past that one! 🙂

  4. viewsplash says:

    These are the kind of letters I have been writing to myself lately as well!
    For your wonderful posts, I have nominated you for Very Inspiring Blogger Award.
    http://viewsplash.wordpress.com/2013/03/20/very-inspiring-blogger-award/
    –Sam

  5. hermitageno8 says:

    very funny, good advice. I think I would sum up my letter to my past self in one line – you will never be this thin again so stop stressing about it and enjoy!! …followed by a list of people best avoided especially when alcohol is involved!!

  6. This was a great post! That makes me curious to know something…

    If it was possible to send the letter to the past, will your or my 18 year old self would listen?

  7. awkwardcharm says:

    This is great! Endearing without being too soppy and funny. Also… how did you fall asleep during a date? haha

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