The kids are alright…sort of!

I have a big family.

Now I know my brother C crops up on here a lot (for example here and here) but there are many, many more of us.

For starters, I am the oldest of 5 children.

Having plenty of siblings has shaped my personality in various ways. For example, I am good at sharing. I am also experienced at settling disputes (we argues and fought loads!), I am not perturbed by cramped living conditions and am adept at tormenting those who are physically weaker than me!

I am also good with children.

Now if you read this blog regularly I know that this may surprise you. What with me being something of an awkward guy and all.

However, as I also have roughly 30 first cousins, over 50 second cousins and more aunts and uncles than I could ever list (yeah my family are like rats…you are never more than a metre away from one of us!) I have been in the company of children my entire life.

I take a sad sense of pride in being good with kids. As I am not great with adults, it is nice to have a social arena in which I am not utterly hopeless.

So when my friend Danny said he needed my help with his 3 year old daughter on Friday afternoon I jumped at the chance to assist.

not like this...

not like this…

I looked after little Bean (her nickname) an awful lot when she was a bambino and we always got on well. Granted, she was asleep most of the time, but she always looked happy enough. A little while ago, Danny and his fiancée then moved to Scotland for work reasons. Things didn’t pan out up North so now that they are back and settled in Portsmouth again.

This would be the first time that I had seen her in the 18 months since they left. I was eager to reconnect with them all and re-establish myself as Bean’s favourite grown-up.

Sadly, It did not go too well.

For some reason she found me terrifying, the instant I walked through the door she squealed and then spent the next 20 minutes cowering behind her father’s legs.

My attempts to bribe her into liking me by using chocolate were unsuccessful as Bean has recently developed a dislike of dark chocolate and now only eats white chocolate.

Upon hearing this news, my taunts of “come on Bean, you don’t want to be a chocolate racist do you?” served only to backfire on me as she then began asking what a racist is. This got me a kick in the shins from Danny. You see both Danny and his fiancée are of Vietnamese descent and they wanted to wait until Bean is older before the subject of race is discussed.

not a chocolate racist...

not a chocolate racist…

Things picked up though as through an impromptu game of tag, a heart warming rendition of ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ and me repeatedly pretending to hurt myself (as well as actually hurting myself a couple of times) Bean eventually began to warm to me.

There was a brief moment of panic when she asked me to tell her a story. With no books immediately available I drew a mental blank and ended up retelling her the story of the origin of Spiderman (I had re-watched the film a few days ago), forgetting that Spiderman’s origin story includes being bitten by a spider and his uncle being murdered.

After watching her angelic, yet confused face struggle to deal with concepts such as teenage angst, radioactivity and murder I decided to park that story and made up some bogus tale about fairies instead.

That was until the magic tricks…..

Whilst Danny was preparing lunch, I decided to treat Bean to my array of magic tricks before she went up off for a nap. It’s all standard stuff, I can make a card disappear, make a pen go up my ear and out of mouth can make coins appear in her ears.

Someone really should have told me that an irresponsible uncle had allowed Bean to sit through Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows a couple of weeks ago. Watching this served to  traumatise her greatly and she now associates magicians, wizards and witches with death and horror.

When I made the pen emerge from my mouth she began to scream.

Long story short. I had to leave the house in order to calm her down.

Pure Evil

Pure Evil

Danny called me Sunday afternoon.

Whilst he and his fiancée thought the whole story was hilarious they are now scratching their heads as to what to do Bean. She had spent Friday night in her parents’ bed as she was so upset by the whole affair. She had also been begging her parents to make sure that I never visit again. Saturday night was the same.

Like the concerned friend that I am I immeidately felt awful.

I took to google and found articles and links to pages and sites which talk about tips to get children over fears. I researched techniques in helping children get sleep and emailed it all over to Danny.

I really did feel bad about this one.

Monday morning came along and I had a text from Danny asking me to call him. He said it was urgent.

I called him. I was not sure what to expect but it was safe to say that I was worried.

My worry sooned turned to confusion as the phone was answered by the all too familiar voice of Bean screaming “APWIL FOOLS!” down the line at me.

It then dawned on me. Those bastards and their demon child had planned the whole thing!

I now need revenge. The question I put to you, my fellow bloggers, is how to get all 3 of them back. I am thinking I may just tell her that Santa is not real.

Is that too harsh?

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Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , | 26 Comments

Does anyone know Shaft?!

Once again, I have embarrassed myself in front of a client.

After this incident and this incident, I am now starting to think that I should not be allowed to talk to clients anymore.

Anyways, on with the story…

For the past 2 months I have been working closely with a client who goes by the name of Shaf. I know his name is short for something, I have no idea what though.

Shaf and I have a similar sense of humour. Dry, yet goofy. Most of our email exchanges end up with us sending silly creations on Microsoft Paint back and forth. When we speak on the phone, if I ever ask him if he needs anything else he will always dryly say “Well Jay I can’t decide whether or not to leave my wife for my mistress. What do you think?”.

Basically this guy is as odd as me and we have fun with it.

After months of working together Shaf finally came on down to our offices earlier in the week. He wanted to meet with our directors, see me in action, discuss future projects and grab a spot of lunch.

I am quickly going to jump in here and let you all know that the instant I heard the name ‘Shaf’, I thought of ‘Shaft’ the private detective played by Richard Rowntree and, later, Samuel L. Jackson. Whenever I hear his name my thoughts instantly turn to the famous ‘Theme from Shaft’ by Isaac Hayes.

...right on!

…right on!

 

So Shaf comes into the office. I go down to meet him, let him in and introduce him to everyone.

For some reason, that I still have no explanation for, I decided to use the Theme from Shaft as my way of introducing him to my bosses and colleagues.

Since Shaf has announced that he will be coming down, I have played out this scenario in my head a million times. It always went like this:

Colleagues: Who is this?

Jay: (*singing*) He’s a complicated man and no –one understands him but his woman…

Shaf: (*points at himself*) SHAF!

Jay: You damn right!

(*then all my colleagues and Shaf all fall around the floor laughing, before composing themselves and giving me hearty round of applause*)

 

However, it didn’t actually go that way.  In reality, it went a little like this…

Colleagues: Who is this?

Jay: (*singing*) He’s a complicated man and no –one understands him but his woman…

(*Shaf and everyone else in the office all stand perfectly still and in total silence. They look confused*)

Shaf: ..ummm….

Jay: Really? Not one of you?…Come on…Who’s the cat that wont cop out when there’s danger all about?…

(*people start to look uncomfortable. I notice that all of them are avoiding eye contact with me*)

Jay: …yeah…so…moving on. This is my client Shaf.

Shaf: Hi everyone.

Colleagues: Hi Shaf.

 

I then had to spend the next 10 minutes explaining to everyone why I had burst into song, that I hadn’t gone mental and that I was simply making a play on words because Shaf sounds like Shaft.

None of them knew what I was talking about.

They did not understand and reference and therefore, did not find my wordplay funny.

This was in equal parts awkward and frustrating for me. Even more so as I had genuinely imagined a round of applause for this.

Luckily I handled this whole situation like an adult and spent the remainder of the day sulking at my desk.

I went home and explained this story to C, and then to R. I got the same reaction from them. Nothing. They did call me a loser, a nerd and a dork though (in that exact order!).

Upon arriving at the office this morning I saw that I had an email. It was from Shaf. He had sent me a picture of my head on Isaac Hayes’ body.

He still claims not to know who Shaft is though.

I hate my job sometimes!

Posted in Humour/Awkwardness | Tagged , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Where I write a letter to myself…

As most of you will know, last weekend was a bit of a rubbish one.

Fortunately, this weekend was one that was relatively incident free. After the past 7 days it was much needed.

The only downside with a quiet weekend is that it gives me little to write about. I was worried that I may have to delve into the archives again and share with you the time my dad drunkenly offered me Viagra! Luckily I don’t.

However inspiration struck me when I was reading through some other blogs. In an act of blatant thievery (if that is even a word???), which has not been seen since Winona Ryder walked into that Fifth Avenue store back in 2001, I pinched an idea that I saw used on two other separate blogs…

…writing a letter to yourself in the past.

Their posts (I wish that I had links to them) were interesting, creative and full of depth. Each displayed a long emotional journey with highs, low and heartfelt words of wisdom that one can only articulate after reflecting on a tough and strenuous life. Luckily, they had both come out the other side 0f it better off and seemed truly comfortable with themselves.

I am not certain if mine will be like that but I will give it a shot.

Now, you should know that as an 18 year old I was an idiot. However as I am now a little older and a little wiser I really think that I am in a position to give that idiot a spot of advice. So here goes nothing…

You know what you are Ryder!

You know what you are Ryder!

A letter to my 18 year old self. 

Dear 18 year old Jay,

I am writing to you from the year 2013. Yes, that means that I am writing to you from the future. Despite your daydreams, time travel has not yet been invented and you are yet to have any adventures going back in the past a’la Marty McFly. (You will actually still be hoping for this to become a reality in 2013).

Now I know you don’t really feel all too comfortable with all the emotional, sentimental and soppy stuff so I won’t dwell on anything of that nature here. All I will say is go and visit your Nan more often (she does not get better) and make sure you give Kelly Mac a call whilst you still can.

Anyways, I figured that I would use the benefit of hindsight to drop you a quick line and give you some advice in order to prepare you for the years that lie ahead.

As I know that you get headaches from reading lots of text I will break the main parts down into points for you:

Whilst we’re on the subject, those headaches are because you need glasses and not because you maybe have a brain tumour you hypochondriac! Go and get an eye test now! Do not ignore it for 2 years and make your eyesight worse!

That faux-hawk haircut does not suit you. Please remove it immediately.

As of 2013, Liverpool are still yet to win the Premier League. Stop making foolish bets on this with your friends every year. You’ll save yourself a fortune.

Change your email address! Trust me.

In 3 months time work will surprisingly invite you to an awards ceremony where you actually win an award! Jeans, T-shirt and Baseball Cap are NOT appropriate attire for this event. You will be mercilessly teased for years (even by people who weren’t there) if you go dressed like that. Wear a shirt and tie you idiot!

Whilst building a wall of used beer cans in your room may sound like fun, it will actually make your room stink to high heaven and will almost ruin things for you with a girl you like. Just throw them out upon consumption.

– Drink some coffee before you take that girl from your English Class to the cinema. Otherwise you will fall asleep during the film, only to wake up and find out that she left already. It will be beyond embarrassing for you.

In 5 months time, you will go to a nightclub, drink too much and feel queasy. Do not then approach a bouncer and enquire as to where a good place to throw up would be. He’ll throw you out into the street and it will hurt for weeks afterwards. That’s part of his job. Duh!

When you meet Hayley’s parents for the first time, do not try and light a cigarette on their stove. You will end up singeing your hair and eyebrows, thus making you look like an idiot! You will then spend years unsuccessfully trying to prove them wrong.

In fact, don’t smoke at all. It’s bad for you…and expensive!

Hopefully these will all hold you in good stead and make your transition into adulthood a little easier.

Oh, seeing as I am here I will also give you a heads up that you were right and Mason is autistic.

This will take a while to become official, Mum will also not remember you making this suggestion so feel free to mention it at every given opportunity. She won’t mind. Don’t worry about him either. He is blossoming into one of the most fascinating, funny and remarkable people that you have ever met.

One more thing, you and R eventually do end up sharing a house. You are living with him now. It takes you both a little longer to get there than you originally planned though (women get in the way) but that is a story for another day.

C is living with you too. Yeah, you guys are mates these days. Practically best mates in fact…I’m not even kidding!

Before I leave I should also say that I know that after smoking some illegal substances and re-watching The Matrix recently you are a little paranoid that computers will soon become sentient and will enslave all humans. Please relax, this has yet to happen and doesn’t look like happening any time soon.

I leave it there. I wouldn’t want to spoil the future for you.

Don’t worry. Everything is going to fine.

Take care.

2013 Jay.

 

Posted in Advice, Humour/Awkwardness | Tagged , , , , , | 19 Comments

The Inner Monologue (or lack thereof).

inner monologue

I have always had problems with my inner monologue.

It would appear that I do not possess the ability to filter what is coming out of my mouth and words will seemingly emerge from that big hole in my head almost of their own free will. My mouth is an entity that is almost entirely unaware of the consequences one faces when they deciding to speak without thinking.

If you have read my blog previously, then it will come to no surprise to you that this lack of a vocal filter has gotten me into trouble over the years.

This had taken on many forms. Whether it be once telling a girl I was dating that she looked ‘surprisingly pretty’ today (she took this to mean that I thought that she did not usually look pretty); or, aged 9, offending my teacher Mrs Rhodes accidentally by suggesting that she reminded me of my nan, albeit a bit fatter; or thinking aloud that my friends baby “looked like Dr Evil’s cat” (he didn’t speak to me for weeks afterwards). It even recently led to this story which most posted on this blog a while back.

Well it got me into trouble again today.

I still have no idea why he was offended...

I still have no idea why he was offended…

 

So work has been going well for me lately. I know that in the 3 months I have been here I have accidently insulted co-worker’s daughter, looked like an idiot in front of a client and lied about a relationship in order to avoid being set up with a colleague’s sister! However, all that aside, things have been fine.

Earlier today I was on a conference call with my boss and a client. The call was not going well. I won’t go into too much detail with you, but all I will say is that we were in danger of getting sucked into an argument with this woman who was being rather stupid.

We had spent the past 45 minutes on the going round in circles, getting nowhere.  Before I knew it our call had veered into lunchtime and I was hungry. Really hungry.

To put it bluntly, this woman was doing my head in. I wanted her to go away. I guess my mouth was aware of this fact and decided to act.

 

Transcribed below is how we ended the call.

Client: “Why don’t we just lie to them on the material to get their attention?”

Boss: “We can’t do that”

Client: “Why not?”

Boss: “…because it’s illegal”

Client: “So?”

Boss: “well, we don’t really want to break the law”

Client: “why not?”

Boss: “because we’ll get fined, maybe closed down.”

Client: “so?”

Boss: “we could all even go to prison”

Jay: (*sighs loudly*) “let’s move on Boss, we’ll be here forever as clearly Mrs Client is an absolute moron!”

 

Ooops! I definitely didn’t mean to say that. I only meant to think it.

 

Client: “I BEG YOUR PARDON!”

 

Instantly, I realised that I probably should not have put it like that. I scrunched up my face, clenched my fist and knocked it against my forehead as if I was trying to punch my brain. I needed to stall for time .

 

Jay: “…errr”

 

Before I could even fathom any kind of response by way of damage control, I was interrupted.

 

Client: “did you just say I was a moron?!”

Jay: “um…huh?”

Boss: “OK.. we’ll call you back in 5 Mrs client?”

 

 

Suffice to say, my boss was not best pleased and spent the next 20 minutes yelling at explaining to me that I can not call a client a moron…well I can but just not when they can hear me. My defence of ‘I was just thinking out loud’ did not get me very far either.

Something tells me that I may not be working with that client again. Although this is not actually the worst thing in the world (I stand by my assessment of her mental faculties) it has not helped me garner the respect of my bosses.

So it’s not been a great day. Once again, the inability to engage by brain before opening my mouth has gotten me into a spot a bother.

I was talking with the housemates about ways to prevent this from happening again. R suggested a vow of silence. I suggested that he not be an idiot. He is now not talking to me.

Posted in Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

My Weekend

awkward weekend

In my last post I mentioned that I have recently been free of awkwardness.

Well I spoke too soon.

This weekend was not the greatest in recent memory. Whilst no major tragedy occurred and nothing of note went on, there were enough little incidents that happened to me to make me a little paranoid that the world is conspiring against me over Saturday and Sunday.

It was a bit like that awkward day I had a while back, just this time it was stretched out over 2 days instead of 1.

Now I know I am prone to writing lengthy posts so I will try and keep this brief and present my weekend to you in bullet point form:

 

Saturday:

– The football match I was scheduled to be playing in was postponed due to rain. As I was updating my phone software I missed the call about this. I ended up waiting outside the ground for 30 minutes until the voicemail came through. That was annoying.

– I got home. C & I called our mum (we put her on speaker) and asked her what she wanted for Mother’s Day. She asked for Ann Summers vouchers (those of you who do not know of Ann Summers should follow this link). That was upsetting. So stunned was I by her request that I hung up on her.

– I went to visit my granddad as it was his birthday. I offered to buy him lunch. He said he would rather sit alone and watch TV. This bruised my ego a tad.

– Walking through town a woman stopped me and asked if I could participate in a survey. It was for young men aged 16-19. I am much older than this but pretended to be 18. My already frail ego was now shattered.

– Back home I spent 45 minutes looking for my glasses. Only for R’s girlfriend to arrive and point out that they were on my face the whole time! I felt stupid.

– I met a friend for a drink. The instant our jackets came off I realised we were dressed the same. Exactly the same! Same shoes and everything! It was creepy.

– After quickly changing, we went to meet another friend who has just been dumped. He moaned about her a lot. His now ex is my cousin. She rang me whilst I was with him and moaned about him a lot. I am uncomfortable being in the middle of this.

 

Sunday:

– I awoke to the sound of C and his girlfriend. They were having sex. Loudly. Again.

– In the kitchen I ran into a half asleep and very hungover R. He needed water. He was in nothing but his underwear and was quite clearly sporting an erection! This upset me.

– It was Mothers Day so I went to my mums (minus the vouchers, we gave her cash instead). I asked my stepdad if he would be going to see his mum. I forgot she died last year. He was fine with it though.

– Mothers Day dinner turned into a family discussion about my life as a singleton. This got worse when my mum and aunt began discussing my sex life and pulling methods. It was odd.

– Back home I sat on my glasses. They are now beyond repair.

 

So that was my weekend.

For once I was actually thankful that Monday had arrived. This is something of a rarity for me.

Posted in Humour/Awkwardness | Tagged , , , , | 20 Comments

From the Vault: The Email Address.

I am doing well. The past week or two has been relatively free of awkwardness. Long may it continue!

The only downside is that this does not provide much in the way of blogging material. However, luckily for you all (and unluckily for me!), I have a lengthy back catalogue of embarrassing tales that I can share on here instead.

So, in the first of a new series, I figured I would delve into the proverbial vault and treat you to an awkward story from my past.

Yep. That's a vault. I could not think of anything else put here.

Yep. That’s a vault. I could not think of anything else put here.

 

The Email Address:
When I was growing up we did not have a computer at our house. As a result I was not really able to join in conversations when friends talked about stuff like playing The Monkey Island and Sims games, going on MSN Chat, downloading music or having hotmail accounts.

This changed when I turned 16 and started college. They had loads of computers there and I had oodles of free time. I finally got fully up to scratch with this whole internet thing.

It was around this time I also became involved in a prank war.

In an escalating series of pranks against my friend ‘Beef’, my friends and I set up a phoney hotmail account for him and signed him up for a variety of websites, product trials and memberships. We all had access to this email account and proceeded to team together to take Beef down.

Upon Beef’s surrender, life returned to normal and everyone forgot about the prank war. This meant that fake hotmail account and the address lay dormant and faded into memory.

Only it didn’t.

The combination of me continuing my education, lacking a PC at home and me not being able to think up a new email address meant that I changed the password, cancelled all the subscriptions and questionable connections to the account before adopting the email account as my own.

The email account saw me all the way through college and I planned to use it when entering university too.

The fact that I grew up not knowing who Guybrush and Wally were still upsets me now.

The fact that I grew up not knowing who Guybrush and Wally were still upsets me now.

 

As most people do around that age (18-20) I felt like reinventing myself. The plan was to shed my awkward, juvenile skin and emerge at university as a confident, studious and sensible guy who is taken seriously by his peers.

It did not really work out that way though.

After a week of initiation, the serious stuff at Uni began (lectures and classes etc). In my inaugural Early Modern Political Thought class the teacher offered to email all of our class our the lecture and seminar notes once a week. She asked to all jot down our email addresses onto a piece of paper which she passed around the class.

Thinking nothing of it, I jotted mine down and passed it to my left.

When the sheet was in her grasp, the teacher scrunched her face up and pulled a bemused expression. She then let out a loud sigh and addressed the class.

“Okay folks. Who is the comedian who has put down this clearly fake email address?”

She was met by a sea of blank faces.

“Need I remind you all that you are now all at university studying Politics.”

She was still met by a load of blank expressions. I could tell she was starting to get angry.

“I am not a fan of wasting my time and do not have the time or patience to deal with jokers in my lectures and seminar groups. We are not leaving this classroom until someone admits to this juvenile endeavour!”

Whilst she I was talking, the fear of god slowly crept into me as I realised that the email address she was referring to was mine.

At this point I should probably mention that my email address was sexualbeef@hotmail.com.

I thought about remaining silent. Maybe she would just let it drop. I knew that would need the course notes though. If I did not say anything then she would not forward those over to me.

So I raised my hand and began to speak.

“um…yeah that’s mine. It’s not a joke though. It is 100% genuine…I promise…”

All eyes in the room were now on me. The lecturer glared at me.

“really?!”

I held her gaze.

“Yes. Really”

I could she was weighing me up. Trying to determine whether or not I was being serious.

“Seriously? Your email address is sexualbeef?…”

Laughter erupted from the classroom. I imagine most of this was down to the fact that this little, skinny guy was referring to himself as sexualbeef. I don’t think many of my fellow students picked up on the irony of it all.

My brain mistakenly went in to its default mode of using humour to defuse a situation.

“…indeed. I wanted an email address that summed me up in as few characters as possible. I think sexualbeef is pretty spot on. Don’t you?”

She didn’t. She rolled her eyes and muttered the word ‘idiot’ under her breath before carrying on with the class.

I slumped into my chair and avoided all eye contact with anyone by pretended to find my blank notepad fascinating until the class was completed.

Sexualbeef: Me aged 19...probably.(this is not actually me!)

Sexualbeef: Me aged 19…probably.
(this is not actually me!)

 

I had hoped that this simple misunderstanding would been swept under the rug and I could go through my 3 years of university life very much under the radar of the faculty as well as my fellow students.

I knew that this would not be the case the next day. I walked into the Student’s Union to grab a coffee. Whilst in there I caught eyes with 5 guys from my E.M.P.T class who were sitting at a table together. They all looked at me, pointed, laughed, applauded and then shouted “heyyyy sexualbeef!”.

I was referred to as sexualbeef by almost everyone on the course for the remaining 3 years!

That particular lecturer and I never really recovered either. She avoided my questions, ignored my emails and seemed truly disappointed that I was one of the few Politics students to survive the course and earn the degree.

I told this story to Beef. He says that this means that, in the end, he won the prank war.

He may have a point.

I still use the email address you know. Although, for obvious reasons, it no longer serves as my primary one.

Posted in Humour/Awkwardness | Tagged , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

The Liebster Blog Award

Liebster

Today has not been the best of days.

I am tired after staying out late last night, riddled with ‘man flu’ and really hungry after forgetting both my lunch and wallet today. To top all of this off I accidentally said something questionable to a client today.

You see, I got tongue tied during our goodbyes and instead of saying “cheers” or “thanks” during our handshake I made a noise that was a combination of both. It sounded like I was saying “chinks”. I am not 100% sure if he heard me but I am certain that he did! I am now worried that he thinks I am a racist or something!

Anyways, I awkwardly scuttle back to my desk, log on to WordPress and notice that I have been nominated for a blog award. Instantly my day has brightened up!

It would seem that the wonderful Dating in Las Vegas has nominated me for The Liebster Blog Award.

 

The Liebster Blog Award.

The rules for the Liebster Award are very simple: You are required to thank the person who nominated you, answer the 11 question they have asked you, nominate 11 other people and ask them 11 questions in return. According to the guidelines the Liebster award should be sent to bloggers with less than 200 followers so that new bloggers can see how awesome they are!

So, first are foremost. I would like extend a big thank you to Dating In Las Vegas for the nomination. If you ever find yourself over on these shores and in need of a cup of tea then all you need to do is ask. You guys should all check out her blog. It’s a really good read packed with great stories and plenty of tips for those of you who are in the dating world.

 

My 11 Answers:

1. Why did you start your blog? I have a friend who I see about every 6 months or so. Whenever we catch up I always have awkward stories for him. He said I should write them down as they happen and document them somewhere, so I did.

2. What do you want to be when you grow up? When I grow up I want to be a real grown up. With a real beard and everything! Failing that, Spiderman.

3. Who do you consider your role model? Maybe Danny Wallace. I love his books and, for a weird geeky bloke, seems to have done very well for himself. If I wind up anything like him then I’ll know that I have done well in life.

4. What’s your favourite colour? Red. I do not look good in red though.

5. What’s your favourite movie? Star Wars.

6. What’s your biggest pet peeve? Poor spelling and grammar. Whilst some may call me a Grammar Nazi, all I will say in response is: “Grammar: the difference between your shit and knowing you’re shit!”.

7. If you could have three wishes, what would they be? – (i) Financial security (and the freedom that this allows). (ii) To have the ability to keep my inner monologue silent. (iii) To be able to walk around (not literally, of course) my autistic brother Mason’s head for a day.

8. What’s your favourite song? Oh this changes almost daily. As I am off to see The Courteeners on Monday night, it is currently ‘Not Nineteen Forever’ by The Courteeners.

9. What did you dream about last? Memory is a little vague here but it had something to with playing football and not being able to run fast enough to catch the ball. That’s all I can recall.

10. Is a tomato a vegetable or a fruit? Explain? (um I’m kinda running out of ideas) It is a fruit. Wikipedia says it’s a fruit so I am going with that. We all know that Wikipedia is a reliable source right? I know a Wikipedia page did once say that I invented the remix  but I am sure that was a one off.

11. If you were an animal, what would you be? Probably a tortoise, that way I can retreat into my shell when awkward moments occur. This would also mean that I would win races against hare’s too. Always a bonus.

 

Blogs I am Nominating:

Sociopathicuttlefish Great blog! This guy covers a variety of topics. All of which are engaging, interesting and hilarious in equal measure!

Awkward Charm She is my female equivalent. I can relate (sort of) to most of her stories.

Nerd, Nerd, Geek! Great writer who is yet to post a tale that has not made me laugh.

Currentlynaive – Honest and wears her heart on her sleeve. Her style of writing and range of vocabulary truly amaze me.

A Dad’s Guide to Growing a Nerd  Reading this is like looking at myself in 15 years time!

Can I get Your Number? Dating in the modern world made fun by a guy and a girl across the pond. Also, the guy on this talks about playing FIFA so he gets a like from me instantly!

Hermatigeno8 She is one very talented writer who also gives great advice via comments on my blog.

Sociallyoxward these 2 ‘robots’ never fail to make me smile.

Sunny Days in DC I love her views on the world and  the fact that she seemingly does not give a fuck! Very cool.

Diary of a Plain, Awkward Girl – Lives a life that I can well and truly relate to.

LynetteDartyCross My interpretation is that she use’s her blog to prevent others from repeating mistakes she made in life. I love that.

 

My 11 Questions:

1. What made you start blogging?

2. Honestly, how many other blogs do you read regularly?

3. Presently, what do you do for a living?

4. What is your dream career?

5. If you could have dinner with any 3 people, living or dead, who would you choose?

6. When was the last time you tried something new, and what did you do?

7. What is your favourite film of all time?

8. You can punch one celebrity in face without reprisal . Who would it be?

9. If you could go 10 years into the future and ask yourself one question only, what would it be?

10. How much money would it take for you to kill a puppy with a sledgehammer?

11. What is your favourite swear word?

 

 

Congratulations to those nominated. I look forward to reading your answers and advise everyone else out there to check all the mentioned blogs out. You’ll love them.

I would say goodbye now but I have already botched one of those already today!

 

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