Where I make a (not so) Triumphant Return…

I’ve been away a while. Sorry about that.

I have a few things going on which have prevented me from blogging.

I won’t go into all the boring details but work has been insane, my laptop broke, I discovered I was able to watch Netflix on my Playstation (which meant I could start and finish Arrested Development season 4 without a laptop) and I joined a new football team. I also had a few trips to go on and I made a new friend…only to ‘lose’ said friend a few weeks later (a story for a future post). I didn’t actually like him anyways so please don’t feel too bad for me.

Anyways, the laptop is fixed, my social circle had decreased (again), I have watched almost everything on Netflix and work seems to have calmed down. This means that I can get back to sharing the details of my awkward existence with you all.

Worth every penny.

Worth every penny.

As I mentioned a few lines ago, work has been busy, really busy! A couple of weeks back I had a particularly crazy week which involved me going to meet a client in Portugal before heading to London for a meeting and then going to Ireland to catch up with an existing client of ours. After Ireland I would be on a plane to Germany for another meeting before heading home (you can probably see why I have not been blogging much as of late!).

This was a big responsibility as a lot was riding on the success of these meetings.

If you have read my blog before then I do not blame you for expecting me to make some kind of enormous faux pass at one or two (or even all) of these meetings and spoiling my career prospects in the process.

I am happy to report that all meetings went well.

But before you think that I have turned a corner and am no longer a social misfit I need to tell you about my flight from Ireland.

Not my experience of Ireland...

Not my experience of Ireland…

I had taken my seat on the plane to home that came before my connecting flight to Germany (don’t ask) and, strangely enough, found myself sat next to an Irish girl.

My first thought was that she was cute. I mean, she wasn’t the prettiest by conventional standards but, in my mind at least, did kinda resemble Lene Marlin…sort of. In case you are not aware, Lene Marlin is a Norwegian popstar who had one major hit single here in the UK. I had a massive crush on around 2000/2001.

My plan was to admire her from afar silently before texting R upon touchdown and together we would curse me for not having the guts to talk to her.

However, our flight was delayed shortly due to some problem with the runway. She turned to me and asked me if I knew what people who were getting connecting flights were supposed to do when they touched down.

I didn’t.

My initial instinct was to lie to her and strike up a conversation but I decided against it.

She then spotted my book on Morrissey. As she was a huge Smiths fan this led to a conversation on music, gigs we’ve both recently been to, magic tricks and, randomly, how we both spend way too much time blocking people on Facebook who have annoying statuses.

At the risk of sounding ever-so-slightly insane I think that, within only an hour of knowing her, I had fallen in love with this girl.

My worst fears were confirmed when she had to pop the toilet. This gave me a couple of minutes to daydream. Don’t judge me too harshly but in the 140 seconds or so that she was gone I played out the entire relationship in my head, asking myself various questions along the way. How I could maintain a long distance relationship with someone in Ireland? Will I have to learn to Skype? Would we get married in England? Will her family hate me? Should I start drinking Guinness or Beamish? Would we raise our family in Ireland? What would I do for work? Would our children be classified as Irish or English? Hopefully they’ll like football…proper football that is and not that Gaelic nonsense they play over there this was one of the most important ones too.

I was snapped back into life by her return.

Oh Lene, we'd have made beautiful children!

Oh Lene, we’d have made beautiful children!

It was then time to put our seatbelts back on and prepare for landing. We had enough time for her to tell me about her biggest Facebook gripe (people posting pictures of their pets if you’re interested) before we had to get off the plane.

I was happy when it transpired that we were walking across to the same terminal together for our next flight. It meant we were able to continue our chat for a little bit. It then dawned on me that we would be going our separate ways soon though so I decided to steer the conversation towards getting her phone number.

Before I could ask she told me that she was going to do a spot of travelling in Europe and then spent some time in India. This meant that her phone would be more or less out of action for the next month or two.

She did say that she would have access to a web café so asked for my full name and email so that she could email me and add me as a friend of Facebook. I duly obliged.

A good friend of mine has just returned from India so I was able to give her some insight into how great the place is. She said that she was really looking forward to her adventure but that her mum was really worried about the foreigner rape stories that apparently were all over the news back home.

I didn’t really know how to respond to this comment so I shrugged it off as standard parental paranoia and ignored the remark.

By now we were queuing for passport control, I suddenly realised the time and that I was getting pretty late for my flight so decided to say my goodbyes and try to get through security:

Jay: “My flight leaves in a little while. It’s been lovely chatting but I have to dash. Hopefully we’ll chat soon.”

Girl: ” I hope so. Expect a friend from me in the next couple of hours…and you’d better accept it!”

Jay: “Of course I will”

Girl : “Good”

Jay: “Anyways, best of luck in India”

Girl: “Gee thanks”

Jay: “Don’t get raped, yeah?…”

It was at this stage I was expecting her to laugh before disappearing to see the world with thoughts of me in her mind. It would only be a matter of time before we got back in touch, fell in love and live happily ever after.

Instead I was greeted by what I can only describe of a look of pure and absolute disgust! I am not sure if I have ever really been greeted with genuine hatred before but this was not a look that I will forget any time soon.

I had blown it. Big time.

essentially this expression (thank you Google images!)...

essentially this expression (thank you Google images!)…

In retrospect I realise that rape is a kind of a sensitive topic and probably not one that I should be making jokes about…especially to strange girls who I am attempting to woo.

After her reaction I panicked, mumbled a goodbye, turned away from her and shot up the queue asking people if it was okay if I go ahead of them because my flight was about to leave. Fortunately people were allowing through without hardly any fuss so I was able to make a quick getaway.

I arrived at security and joined one of the queues. As this queue was moving at a painfully slow pace I was replaying the final exchange over and over in my head, kicking myself for my stupidity and lack of social decorum. For some reason I turned to my left. Guess who I saw standing a few metres away from me?

Yep, it was her. Standing with her arms folded and a face like thunder.

She saw me too. After a fleeting moment of eye contact we both put our heads down and seemingly partook in a mutual decision to ignore each other for the entire time of going through security.

This all happened 2 weeks ago. She has not emailed me or sent me a friend request.

Oh well. I didn’t even want to move to Ireland anyway!


About Project Southsea

I blog mostly about my adventures in awkwardness.
Aside | This entry was posted in Humour/Awkwardness and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Where I make a (not so) Triumphant Return…

  1. Love your stories dude…

  2. Hey Southsea – glad you’re back – missed your stories! 🙂 Sorry about your Irish crush, though!

    • Glad to be back Lynette. Truth be told, whilst I was imagining our life together I could not think up ways to get past the obstacles I had envisaged us to face. It would never have lasted! 🙂

  3. Dash hammet, Southsea! You almost had you a lady!
    Also, it is good to hear from you again. For some time there, I idly wondered if an awkward scenario had potentially turned fatal and left you incapacitated.
    I may have been over-reacting.
    Just a tad.

    • I am sure there will be others (that I can ruin my chances with).

      You can rest assured that I am the picture of perfect health…unless being a social leper ends up becoming a real disease of course!

  4. Erratica101 says:

    Jay strikes again 😀

  5. sandra tyler says:

    lol. Amazing where our imaginations can take us in an instant. It obviously wasn’t meant to be but made for an amusing story:)

  6. My goal of the summer is to watch every episode of Breaking Bad on Netflix. Cheers!

  7. hermitageno8 says:

    good to see you back, I was starting to worry about you!! Sounds like the Irish girl had something of a sense of humour failure and so would probably have made a difficult girlfriend for someone whose comments are frequently unedited – perhaps best to have blown it early on!

  8. anyafelix says:

    i as hoping…nd hoping.. and thats when u blew it with that comment
    for the record, that rape comment wasnt really offensive 🙂

  9. Lucy Lees says:

    Great story! I’ve heard far worse comments, I say you’re safe 🙂

  10. Eph A Bee says:

    Glad to see you back! Also, I didn’t know you were a Morrissey fan. If you lived in the states or are ever out visiting for a bit, I’d be happy to send you a Morrissey fan/art shirt I got during my stint at the shitty shirt place. The guy’s artwork is quite nice (his complaint was only we used the wrong version of the dozens of art files he submitted); I took an extra but don’t have any friends these days who would appreciate it.

    As for the rape comment you made, I’m actually a little surprised she managed to not slap you. 🙂

    • Hi Eph, how are ya? Oh I will definitely have those from you. Next time I am across the pond (this’ll probably be next year though) I will let you know.

      The phrase “rape comment” makes it sound so sinister…I was just trying to be funny….honest! 🙂

  11. Although this post has shown me that we’re completely opposite people (I haven’t gotten around to watching Arrested Development because everyone just raves and raves about it and I’ve tried and tried to get into the Smiths but I can’t!), we’ve got the awkward stuff in common. I make up my future lives with crushes in less than three minutes too! And the rape comment… Is totally something I would say, panic about, and hate myself for. Sorry, friend. :/
    Also, Chewitt and I nominated you for the very award you nominated us for. 🙂 Just wanted to let you know we finally got around to finishing the post. Finally being the key word.

    • I’ll let you off with the non enjoyment of The Smiths (they can be a little depressed to be fair) and not watching Arrested Development because you share my awkward ways. It’s comforting for sure.

      Oh you girls and your awards! I know what you are doing (mostly because you told me)…

  12. Jay says:

    That wasn’t even offensive! Maybe she didn’t hear the “don’t” and just thought you said “get raped”. That is the only reasonable explanation.

  13. Well at least looks can’t kill yet so you’re in luck.

  14. awkwardcharm says:

    AGH! I just left you a really long comment and it didn’t go through!! Why do you hate me, WordPress? WHY?


    I will attempt to repost but my heart won’t be in it this time… just know that.

    First, I don’t know how I didn’t see this post sooner. It didn’t show up in my reader. I feel for you, buddy. I think we were all rooting for you to get the girl in the end. You even had me daydreaming about beautiful little Jay/Lene babies. But that last comment… eesh. You know what though… rape is an awful topic, but SHE brought it up first. And if she can’t take a joke (however awkward!) after spending an entire flight having one of those I-found-my-soulmate moments, then forget her. Right?

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