The kids are alright…sort of!

I have a big family.

Now I know my brother C crops up on here a lot (for example here and here) but there are many, many more of us.

For starters, I am the oldest of 5 children.

Having plenty of siblings has shaped my personality in various ways. For example, I am good at sharing. I am also experienced at settling disputes (we argues and fought loads!), I am not perturbed by cramped living conditions and am adept at tormenting those who are physically weaker than me!

I am also good with children.

Now if you read this blog regularly I know that this may surprise you. What with me being something of an awkward guy and all.

However, as I also have roughly 30 first cousins, over 50 second cousins and more aunts and uncles than I could ever list (yeah my family are like rats…you are never more than a metre away from one of us!) I have been in the company of children my entire life.

I take a sad sense of pride in being good with kids. As I am not great with adults, it is nice to have a social arena in which I am not utterly hopeless.

So when my friend Danny said he needed my help with his 3 year old daughter on Friday afternoon I jumped at the chance to assist.

not like this...

not like this…

I looked after little Bean (her nickname) an awful lot when she was a bambino and we always got on well. Granted, she was asleep most of the time, but she always looked happy enough. A little while ago, Danny and his fiancée then moved to Scotland for work reasons. Things didn’t pan out up North so now that they are back and settled in Portsmouth again.

This would be the first time that I had seen her in the 18 months since they left. I was eager to reconnect with them all and re-establish myself as Bean’s favourite grown-up.

Sadly, It did not go too well.

For some reason she found me terrifying, the instant I walked through the door she squealed and then spent the next 20 minutes cowering behind her father’s legs.

My attempts to bribe her into liking me by using chocolate were unsuccessful as Bean has recently developed a dislike of dark chocolate and now only eats white chocolate.

Upon hearing this news, my taunts of “come on Bean, you don’t want to be a chocolate racist do you?” served only to backfire on me as she then began asking what a racist is. This got me a kick in the shins from Danny. You see both Danny and his fiancée are of Vietnamese descent and they wanted to wait until Bean is older before the subject of race is discussed.

not a chocolate racist...

not a chocolate racist…

Things picked up though as through an impromptu game of tag, a heart warming rendition of ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ and me repeatedly pretending to hurt myself (as well as actually hurting myself a couple of times) Bean eventually began to warm to me.

There was a brief moment of panic when she asked me to tell her a story. With no books immediately available I drew a mental blank and ended up retelling her the story of the origin of Spiderman (I had re-watched the film a few days ago), forgetting that Spiderman’s origin story includes being bitten by a spider and his uncle being murdered.

After watching her angelic, yet confused face struggle to deal with concepts such as teenage angst, radioactivity and murder I decided to park that story and made up some bogus tale about fairies instead.

That was until the magic tricks…..

Whilst Danny was preparing lunch, I decided to treat Bean to my array of magic tricks before she went up off for a nap. It’s all standard stuff, I can make a card disappear, make a pen go up my ear and out of mouth can make coins appear in her ears.

Someone really should have told me that an irresponsible uncle had allowed Bean to sit through Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows a couple of weeks ago. Watching this served to  traumatise her greatly and she now associates magicians, wizards and witches with death and horror.

When I made the pen emerge from my mouth she began to scream.

Long story short. I had to leave the house in order to calm her down.

Pure Evil

Pure Evil

Danny called me Sunday afternoon.

Whilst he and his fiancée thought the whole story was hilarious they are now scratching their heads as to what to do Bean. She had spent Friday night in her parents’ bed as she was so upset by the whole affair. She had also been begging her parents to make sure that I never visit again. Saturday night was the same.

Like the concerned friend that I am I immeidately felt awful.

I took to google and found articles and links to pages and sites which talk about tips to get children over fears. I researched techniques in helping children get sleep and emailed it all over to Danny.

I really did feel bad about this one.

Monday morning came along and I had a text from Danny asking me to call him. He said it was urgent.

I called him. I was not sure what to expect but it was safe to say that I was worried.

My worry sooned turned to confusion as the phone was answered by the all too familiar voice of Bean screaming “APWIL FOOLS!” down the line at me.

It then dawned on me. Those bastards and their demon child had planned the whole thing!

I now need revenge. The question I put to you, my fellow bloggers, is how to get all 3 of them back. I am thinking I may just tell her that Santa is not real.

Is that too harsh?


About Project Southsea

I blog mostly about my adventures in awkwardness.
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to The kids are alright…sort of!

  1. Jaye says:

    This is AMAZING!!!!

  2. Ryan Naylor says:

    Well, you have an entire year to think about it.

  3. Eat all her Easter candy. That’ll larn her.

  4. Anything but that! Noooo! Hahaha. I throughly was entertained by this well written story as I sit here in the beauty salon with my hair up in foil. I like you project southsea blog! I have six kids of my own, so I appreciated this post. Take care! You’ll be a great dad someday! 🙂

    • Don’t worry Linda, i’m not really that cruel.

      Thanks for the kind words. Hopefully I will be a great dad, although I worry that the temptation to play pranks on my children may be too great.

  5. Ha! As usual, I had a good laugh!

  6. Eph A Bee says:

    Find out if they have a real fear–like clowns. AND EXPLOIT.

  7. hacken2013 says:

    Tell her you’re really her father 😉

  8. hermitageno8 says:

    get the parents by buying her a drum, xylophone and one of those little keyboard things that play pre recorded tunes and beats and whose batteries somehow never run out! Get the kid by buying her one of those possessed monkey toys that bangs cymbals – it will go off in the night and scare the crap out of her!! Or be really sneaky and buy craft sets – they are always way more complicated than they look and need parental supervision – you will have doomed your friends to having sticky sequins everywhere and crappy handmade stuff they then have to keep!
    Oh dear, I really should use my powers for good, I have learned nothing from Spiderman!!

  9. Well that’s Christmas sorted then! Great thinking!

    Oh, and don’t fret hermitageno8, you are using your powers for good. Those evil so and so’s need taking a down a peg or two before they prank some other unfortunate soul.

  10. jennypugh says:

    Genius! I have to say, I didn’t see that one coming, I really thought you’d proper freaked her out. Great prank though! I wonder if they’ll try and get you again next year 😀

  11. You’re awesome, my favourite blogger by far

  12. Jay says:

    Wow, that was an elaborate joke. And Bean sounds like a very good little actress. And I’m sure it was nice to learn that she isn’t actually terrified of you. I have no idea how to get them back, but I think telling her Santa isn’t real may be a bit extreme, haha.

  13. I just died a little. Bean may be the coolest person I’ve ever heard of.

  14. Lilly says:

    This was AMAZING!! Bean is the coolest kid EVER. Little devil.

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